Shooting Febreeze with Mr. Cleanface
By Carter Clews
Harry Reid thinks you stink.
In fact, no matter what his lickspittle staffers try to tell him, he wants you to know it – and he wants you to stay the h-e-double-toothpicks away from him.
How can we be so sure? Well, the Pecksniffian Mr. Reid told us so at the grand opening of the new $621 million Capitol Visitors Center (which you, of course, were kind enough to pay for). That's the place where from now on, Harry expects you and your putrid family and friends to go, instead of smelling up his and his cronies' exclusive digs over at the U.S. Capitol Building proper.
Here are flower-fresh Harry's own words of wisdom on the matter:
“My staff has always said, 'Don't say this,' but I'm going to say it again because it's so descriptive because it's true. In the summertime, because (of) the high humidity and how hot it gets here, you could literally smell the tourists coming into the Capitol. Well, that is no longer going to be necessary."
You get it? You stink. And fastidious guys like Harry and his boys should not have to put up with your sweaty palms and smelly pits.
Now, before you go getting all offended and think that's no way for a guy whose salary you're paying to talk, I need for you to understand something: Harry has always had a pronounced aversion to the unbathed and their body odors. In fact, as far back as his days shooting craps in the backroom bars of the Vegas Strip, Harry gained renowned among his closest associates for personal hygiene.
Oh, you didn't know that? Well, it's not surprising – unless, of course, you happen to work for The Mob. You see, to the spiritual descendants of Bugsy – excuse me, make that Bennie – Siegel in and around the seamier side of Las Vegas, Harry Reid was known affectionately as “Mr. Cleanface.”
“I've gotta Cleanface in my pocket,” is how Kansas City Mafia lieutenant Joe Agosto, unaware the FBI was monitoring his conversation, referred to his top gaming commission contact in the late 1970s. Later, after turning state's evidence, the Mafia thug disclosed on the record that “Mr. Cleanface” (or, “Mr. Gillette,” as he also affectionately referred to his pet patsy) was none other than the fresh-faced, fragrant Harry Reid, then chairman of the Nevada Gaming Commission.
In fact, believe it or not, you might even have seen Harry in action in that very role if you ever saw the movie “Casino.” Remember the smarmy, crooked character Dickie Smothers played – the one who betrayed Ace Rothstein (Robert DeNiro) and set him up for the fall? Yes, that was Mr. Cleanface. That was the egregious Mr. Gillette. That was Harry Reid, himself.
Of course, Harry denies to this day that he did anything other than, in his words, “kick the mob out of Vegas.” Oh, he admits that he was, indeed, “Mr. Cleanface.” But, apparently, the mobsters with whom he was associating simply didn't understand that, in reality, he was working against, rather than with, them. He probably found them odiferous.
Harry will hasten to point out that he was cleared of the charges against him by the Justice Department. But he likely won't point out that it was the Carter Justice Department, which was then also in the process of bringing about virtually no successful prosecutions in Billygate, Koreagate, ABSCAM, BCCI, or the investigation of cocaine use by Chief of Staff Hamilton Jordan.
Nor, will Harry point out that since his Mr. Cleanface days, he has received massive contributions from various donors connected with the gambling industry, and also allegedly with The Mob, including:
• Moe Dalitz, associated with the Cleveland mob, the Desert Inn, the Stardust Resort & Casino, and Rancho La Costa;
• Morris Shenker, an attorney associated with the St. Louis Mafia, Meyer Lansky, Jimmy Hoffa, and the Dunes Hotel;
• Ed and Fred Doumani, associated with the Tropicana Hotel, the El Morocco casino, Agosto, and Joey Cusumano, former lieutenant of Chicago Mafia representative Anthony Spilotro (for those keeping track, the Joe Pesci character in “Casino”);
• Bart Rizzolo, who along with his son Rick Rizzolo operates the Crazy Horse Too strip club; associated with the Doumanis and Joey Cusumano;
• Joseph Alioto, a San Francisco politician related to Milwaukee Mafia boss John Alioto; alleged by informer Jimmy “the Weasel” Fratianno to be associated with San Diego Mafia boss Frank “the Bomp” Bompensiero, a charge Alioto denied; implicated in the Koreagate Congressional bribe scandal.
Apparently, Mr. Cleanface did not find any of those – and numerous other mob-connected contributors – offensive to his olfactory bulb.
And that leaves you. To the likes of Harry Reid, guys like Agosto, Cusumano, Rizzolo, Alioto, et. al., may be as fresh as the morning breeze. But, you stink. And if you know what's good for you, from now on, you'll confine your visits to the Capitol Visitors Center and not be sitting your smelly carcass anywhere near Mr. Reid's pristine confines.
Which may not be all that objectionable anyway. Because, after all, you did pay for the Pecksniffian Mr. Reid's fragrant new $621 million monument to government waste. So, stink it up to your heart's content.
Carter Clews is the Executive Editor of ALG News Bureau.